living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize