I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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