I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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