When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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