we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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