You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
