dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
