how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
