My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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