you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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