I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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