look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
