Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
