Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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