How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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