i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
