he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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