My liver just broke up with me...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
