I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
