my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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