All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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