you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Don't EVER smell your tampon
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
