my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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