Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Ketchup is God's man juice
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
