I wish I only lived at night.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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