I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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