im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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