weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You pole danced in your parka.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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