break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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