So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
