Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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