I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
