We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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