you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Never joke about your clitoris.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
