I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
