I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
