I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
