i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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