then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
