im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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