apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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