you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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