glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
