He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
