...so i touched it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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