this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
tell me about the fingering
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