I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize