this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize