youre lurking in front of me
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize