My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
