My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
