Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
