Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize