well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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