as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
