Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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