I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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