You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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