I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
