and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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