Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
