Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
