i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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