Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
