lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
