I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Barsexuality is the new black.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
