Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
